You know you talk too much but you ain’t got shit to say

You ever reach out to someone to just feel validated by them? I.E a parent, teacher, authority figure. Only to have them call you a victim just for asking for them to accept you. How do you deal with it mentally over time?

It creates a void. A loss of self worth. You seek it other places. From other people and other things. You wonder why they were emotionally absent. What can I do to get their approval? As far as you run from it, it’s still there sickeningly in your everyday life. Slipping in when you least expect, to make you feel like even your greatest accomplishments aren’t up to par. On top of that, because I mirrored his behavior, he abused me and wrote it off as discipline. Nothing pisses him off more than something he cannot control. Someone he cannot control like he has my mom. She took all of his bullshit. I didn’t after I figured out he was full of it. I was a teenager so it was honestly fueled by hormones but also the realization that he shouldn’t be treating me like that and it was worse because my mom just stood by and watched the destruction. As a 32 year old woman now, I don’t understand how someone can stand by and let their partner hurt their children in those ways. Hitting and throwing things at and around us, yelling over trivial things like a car running out of gas or a simple mistake. It was always chaos and I really think it taught me to expect chaos in all aspects of my life. If it didn’t hurt, it wasn’t love. I learned that from them.

It took SO long to realize that isn’t it. It shouldn’t hurt like that. It should not have to feel like you’re sacrificing your existence just so they’ll be happy. When I look back on relationships vs how I was treated from my own dad, it’s like a mirror of it. Seeking validation from him and never getting it and being put down and being a doormat then as an adult seeking validation from men, being put down or treated poorly because I felt like I couldn’t speak up. I was a doormat because I was taught to be one by a woman that didn’t have the strength to stand up for herself.

It hurts, it really does, to be rejected and invalidated by the person who gave you life. They were raised without moms and I have been told that as guilt tactic my WHOLE life. “We didn’t have moms so be glad you have what you have.” Oh verbal/physical abuse and generational trauma they didn’t want to break themselves so they pushed it on us. I wanted to deal with what they pushed on me because I cannot push it on my kids. I blog about it, so I don’t have to hold on to it any longer. They don’t like that I air my “grievances” but it’s my perspective. It’s not going to be cut to make everyone happy. What’s more judgement from those who raised me feeling like I wasn’t enough to begin with.