Listen before you go.

Watching someone I care a lot for, walk willingly back into an abusive relationship is hard. It‘s like watching myself 10 years ago before I left the same exact situation. It’s like watching them walk to their eventual death.

I honestly never in a thousand years thought I would see someone so close to me experience it. And just like that, it pulled me right back to all those feelings I stuffed down about my own experience with it. The pure adrenaline from getting out and away from the abuser, the fear and anxiousness of not being home in your own comfort zone, the sadness and emptiness felt each day when you wake up, the disappointment from those around you when you run back all too quickly. It just hurts to be on the other side of it now. It hurts to watch my family mourn through it too.

I now get why everyone begged me to not go back then. It’s so obvious looking back it wasn‘t safe. I cried for a while this morning knowing there’s absolutely no way I can help her anymore. I can’t watch her be with someone who belittles her when she shows tiny little glimpses of her true self, someone who blames alcohol on the times he’s beat her within an inch of her life, someone who will literally blame anyone but himself for his abuse toward her. I used to be her.

I don’t wonder why she ran back because it was out of comfort. It was because being with him even if he only shows slivers of affection, was easier than facing what kind of life she could have had without all of that control. Mentally she has been broken down and is willing to accept whatever he gives her no matter how small. In the meantime, it pushes everyone away that could help her. It isolates you, honestly.

All I hope is that she is safe. Whatever that looks like for her. 😔