It is interesting to me what trying to deal with childhood trauma as an adult brings up in me emotionally. It’s a funky feeling I didn’t think I’d be dealing with. When I started on the journey not so long ago, I didn’t look to upset my parents. I was looking at what triggered me as a whole. It was feeling abandoned, left out, not enough. It was also the anger that was passed down to me. Yes, we have a hand in how we react. But I really think what you see growing up is how you learn to act as an adult yourself. It’s so deeply engrained.
I never really know what to say when bringing this up. I blocked out so much for so long. We had a really good days and years. It was the way I was spoken to though. The way I saw my parents treat each other and others. I just dealt with it because I saw it as normal. I thought you just did as your husband or parents said and that having a voice was out of the question. When I did get the guts to question anything with my parents, I was almost immediately told that they would not be questioned. We were taught early on that you did as you were told. Looking back now I can see how I ended up with my first husband. Yes, by my own accord but he was preying on that part of me that just complied because I honestly didn’t know better and thought I wasn’t allowed to have my own voice.
Could you imagine raising a child to feel like their voice or thoughts don‘t matter? I started doing that myself to Epperly without even noticing it. I still feel sometimes like my voice or opinion aren’t heard. I’ve fallen into friendships and relationships over the years where I let the other person lead and be the voice and tell me how I should feel. That’s a very empty feeling. I ended up feeling conflicted a lot. Like how did I make it 30 years and not notice this cycle of pushy people until now? Let me just tell you that once I did notice it, I started setting boundaries. And when I did that, people didn’t like it.
I started 2020 promising myself I would not let anyone push me around anymore. I told myself I would speak my mind. It’s been a slow progression. I caught myself bending over again and letting people lead me where I didn’t want to go so I started to cut ties. My parents showed me really quick that they didn’t give one single fuck about any boundaries I set. I let it slide for half of this year but finally just decided to stop letting it happen after my mom threw a fit about me posting about generational trauma on a Facebook post. I brought up in that post how I learned to be loved by the way they loved me as a child and I think it struck a nerve with her.
She didn’t like that I had said things they had kept quiet about for years. Thus began a back and forth until I told her I just didn’t want to talk anymore because of how she dismissed my feelings. I didn’t want my kids to think that things like that could just be swept under the rug. My trauma is valid despite them thinking that it isn’t or saying they did “the best they could.” Even if it happened 20 years ago or just a month ago. It’s still valid.
