Inner Werk werk werk werk werk

Now tell me you didn’t hear that Rhianna song reading the title. But yes, I’ve been doing a little work on my inner self. So, what’s that look like?

Where do I feel like there isn’t “enough” in my life? In the love department. I’ve always accepted way less than I deserved. From family, friends, loved ones and even from myself. While I can’t speak for everyone else, I can for me. Some days I only have enough love to spread across my kids and that’s literally it. I will put me to the side for WEEKS. But that’s what moms do right? Put everyone ahead of you. Sometimes or really a lot of the time, I’ll slip back into depression because of not taking care of me. Its an ugly spiral that affects me too often. Love from my parents has obviously been a messy situation to say the least. Their love is/was monetary with 1 million strings attached. Friends are easy to love because I pick them but I just don’t like letting anyone close.

I’ve learned in the past year to set boundaries and watch who respects them and who doesn’t. I be damned if it wasn’t my own parents who stomped and ran past them like they didn’t give one fuck. In all aspects, I just wanted to cut ties after I figured out that THEY wouldn’t never move on from who they viewed me as. I blocked my mom‘s phone number and she emailed me. Long drawn out messages about how my heart was “angry” and how she prayed I’d stop being bitter one day. My ex husband and my parenting choices are always her favorite to point out. Those used to irk me. Its just her go to. I know what she’s going to say. The same things, just worded differently. I asked for her to stop messaging me and not to send anything to my house because she wasn’t welcome there then blocked her email. She then progressed to texting whoever will listen about it. And my dad, god knows what he even knows because my mom tells him maybe 5% of anything. He’s viewed me as dramatic and embarrassing most of my life. Always mad after I hit my teen years and figured out I had a voice and would say anything he didn’t like. Mad when I stood up for my mom if he treated her like shit. I don’t speak about him a lot because he is literally a whole piece of work. He‘d beat up my mom and throw shit at everyone and then 20 min later it was “I did it because I love you.” No that’s not love, it’s abuse. Little things were so dramatic. I never felt protected by him or her. Just judged and treated like I could only be useful if I served them in some way. From childhood until adulthood. They never seemed to care to justify anything. To start healing from that I had to start being for myself what my parents never were for me.

I have been working out more lately. 5-6 times a week to really keep my mind at peace. I work with our kids every day to talk through things. Some days are easy and some aren’t. Some days little stuff messes with me and I am out of commission for the rest of the day. But more days than not, things have been going a bit better. I learned to keep to myself on my crappy days.